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Last night I took about a 45 minute walk just to think.  I needed to get out, think things through and clear my head.  I wanted to listen to something on my iPod that I knew would foster thinking, so I chose to listen to My Epic.  Every time I listen to their music, I learn something new.

Honestly, lately I've been terrified of not finding my place in the world and in God's plan when I graduate.  I'm afraid I'll have a heap of loans and no way to pay them off and no way to make the world better.  A lot of people, that I graduated high school with, aren't doing much at all, and I'm afraid I'm going to fall into that.

This song hit me, I don't know if it really helped me with that problem, maybe it did.  But, it reminded me that anything good, true and beautiful that I do, is only because of God.  I can't keep trying to do things on my own.  I mentioned it in this post with that line about my plans, being bright as a billion stars, are never really that bright at all.  Any thing that I seek out to do, will not be worthwhile unless God is behind it.  Anything good, true or beautiful I do, is not by my doing, because those are qualities God has.

Another line that struck me was the one that said "I'm tired of striving to be, who You already say that I am.  I am Yours."  That line really sums up what I'm seeking a lot, I strive to be God's child.  I already am God's child because God said so.  There is nothing I can do to earn that, it's freely given to me.  I really just need to chill and be with God.  God has me in His hands and I'm already doing His will if I'm seeking Him out, I just need to trust that everything will go well.

I know that didn't go anywhere, but those are just some thoughts I needed to write out.

Give the song a listen:

My Epic- Author

I have nothing new to say. The world is so terribly big, it keeps spinning and shaking loose all my constants and making me see that the sun has been burning too long to have not shed its light in every direction.

All I know is that beautiful in me is You... beautiful in me is You.

(All... I... know...) Every good thing, every true thing, beautiful in me is You, beautiful in me is You.

(All... I... know...) Every good thing, every true thing, beautiful in me is You, beautiful in me is You.

(All... I... know...) Every good thing, every true thing, beautiful in me is You, beautiful in me is You.

I see a thousand young men, they're all marching in time with the war on their doorsteps and their lovers behind them, and all of their glory flows back to their master, but they care not for honor, for they wear His robes.

I'm tired of striving to be, who You already say that I am. I am Yours...

Take what You need to take, say what You need to say to make me who I am meant to be, You can have it all. Take what You need to take, say what You need to say to make me who I am meant to be, You can have it all.

Where to from here?

I'll be honest, life has been hard lately.  Despite what I said in this post, some days I really don't feel a reason to get out of bed.  Don't get me wrong, I love life and all its fullness.  I have hope that this will pass.

I'm in that awkward stage of life, somewhere between childhood and adulthood.  I have spent about 20 years of my life in school.  Adjusting to life outside of school is difficult, because that's all I know.

I loved the fulfillment that learning brings.  I always felt like I was bettering myself.  I know, that for the rest of my life, I will always be learning something new.

So, here is where I'm at right now.  As my other post said, everything is in God's hands.  The problem is, the places God wants me to be, I can't get to unless I do more schooling.  Now, God is all powerful, and can get me those jobs if He wants, but sometimes He makes us do the hard things.  At the moment, I might be applying to do online college courses to get a Master of the Arts in Human Services.  The school that is looking most promising is Liberty University Online.  This would only take 3 semesters and at the end I will receive a Master of the Arts in Human Services with a concentration in Marriage and Family.

This is hard thing to go forward with, because it will be more work than I've ever done in my life and it will add roughly 15,000 more dollars to my student loans debt.  The great things are: that I will have a Master's degree, I will have infinite jobs options, I will push my intellectual limits and I will have learned new things.

All of the jobs in the field I'm going into want you to have a Bachelor of the Arts in Human Services or Social Work.  Some jobs allow a Bachelor's degree plus 2 or more years of experience, and no one is willing to give me the experience.  The plus side to getting a Master's degree is that, other than experience, I'll be more qualified than a lot of other social workers in regards to education.  Also, don't forget I'm bilingual.  This could open so many doors.

The classes look super interesting:

CORE COURSES (18 hours)
HSER 500 Introduction to Human Services
COUN 502 Human Growth and Development
COUN 506 Integration of Psychology and Theology
HSER 508 Studies in Interpersonal Communications
HSER 509 Multicultural Issues in Human Services
HSER 511 Group Dynamics

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY COGNATE COURSES (12 hours) 
COUN 5011 Counselor Professional Identity Function and Ethics
COUN 5051 Counseling Techniques and the Helping Relationship
COUN 601 Marriage and Family Counseling I
COUN 603  Premarital and Marital Counseling

TOTAL CREDIT HOURS   30 

This looks like a great opportunity, please just pray that I'm seeking God's will and not my own.  I know God has big plans for me and I'm just worried that I won't follow His leading.  Let me know what you think.

Not my will

As a lot of you may know, I've been on the job search lately and have had no luck.

I've put out about 40 applications.

I've come to realize more and more lately, that I am way too involved in this.  Now, that may not make sense... but if you look at the first two sentences I wrote, pay attention to who is doing the searching.

Let me explain...

So two weeks ago, I got a phone call and an email from Verizon wanting to do an interview.  I waited a day to respond just to pray about it and think about it some more.  Leney and I decided that I should just go through with it since I have nothing else to do right now.  It's not the ideal job, but it's a job.

That same day we decided to go through with it, a random guy walked up to me and told me God wants me to stop worrying about getting a job.  I don't know if all of you believe in that kind of thing.  But that stuff still happens and it's biblical.

I've never experienced that before.

That's kind of frustrating really, I am so ready to start working again, but God had something else in mind.  I took that as, if I were already planning on doing the will of the Lord, why would He say anything?  God spoke so clearly.

Yesterday at the college church group that I go to, during worship God broke me down.  The second song, physically sat me in my chair.  I have never felt physically pushed by God before.

The first verse goes:

"I can't comprehend your infinitely beautiful and perfect love.

Oh I've dreamed dreams of majesty as brilliant as a billion stars,

But they're never bright enough after all."

The first line reminds me that God loves me and is in control, but I can't always understand it.

The second two lines, really just kind of punched me in the face.

I have spent so much time, trying to do these huge awesome things.  Clearly it is all in vain, because the  big, majestic things I seek aren't nearly as big and majestic as God's plans for me.

During worship, two bible verses came to mind, and I looked them up.

Deuteronomy 8 talks about not forgetting the Lord.  The latter part of it talks about remembering that we only have what we have because God has given it to us.  I can't get a job on my own.  God has to provide it.  I can't get it on my own strength, God can.

James 1:27

"Religion that God the Father accepts as pure and faultless is this;

to look after orphans and widows in distress and to keep

oneself from being polluted by the world."

That verse says two things.  The first is that God's desire is that He wants us to follow Him by serving the hurting, innocent, poor, broken and lost.  The second part is to keep ourselves pure and out of the world.  We shouldn't waste time seeking after things of this world, rather seek after Him and to care after the hurting, innocent, poor, broken and lost.

I know big things are coming.  The verse from James is something that God has always placed on my heart.  Even when I volunteer at Social Services, my heart breaks for the single moms taking care of their kids and how they can't even feed them.  

My heart breaks for the broken.  I know that's where God is leading me, I just need to pay attention and find my strength, confidence, and hope in the Lord.

Of Want and Misery

I've listened to this band a long time now.  Unfortunately, they broke up a few years back.  Even though this album is pretty old, it's one of my favorites.

As Cities Burn- Of Want and Misery
I watched you float away on a wave of want and misery
now I've got to find you
I watched you float away on whatever caught your eye
now I've got to find you
'cause I've got to keep your head above the water
while the current pulls me under

I will hang my life in the space between the noose and your neck
I won't let you die just yet

I will love you even when you won't let me
and you will kill me by doing nothing
but I know it's not you, my dear,
I know it's not you
I know it's not you, my dear,
it's the nothing that kills

I can't save you
control is something out of mine
no, I can't save you
control is something out of my control

I will love you even when you won't let me
and you will kill me by doing nothing
but I know it's not you, my dear,
I know it's not you
I know it's not you, my dear,
it's the nothing that kills

I can't save you but I will love you
no, I can't save you but I will love you
I'd like to think that this is love
lost in second chances without end
this is romance

I have always kind of viewed this as a letter from God to us.  This song is passionate, gentle, heartfelt and intense.

        "I will hang my life in the space between the noose and your neck
I won't let you die just yet."

The song talks about how God stands by you and waits for you even when you don't want Him.  This line says that you're never out of God's reach.  You're always safe in the palm of God's hands, even if things seem grim.

"I will love you even when you won't let me
and you will kill me by doing nothing"

God is right beside us, loving us... even when we don't love Him.

This last stanza really sums things up.

 "I'd like to think that this is love
lost in second chances without end.
This is romance"

That's exactly what it is.  God's love is full of abounding second chances.

Unconditional love.

Grace.

Mercy.

That is true romance.

Our God

Every now and then, there is a song that I just can't seem to get out of my head.  Ever since I went to Passion Conference I just can't forget this one song.  Just listen, read and please be encouraged by the song.

Chris Tomlin- Our God

Water, you turned into wine

Opened the eyes of the blind

There's no one like you

None like you

Into the darkness, you shine

Out of the ashes, we rise

There's no one like you

None like you

Our God is greater

Our God is stronger

God, you are higher than any other

Our God is healer

Awesome in power

Our God, our God

And if our God is for us

Then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us

Then what could stand against

It's just this huge, building anthem that expresses our faith in the awesome, powerful God.

I love the chorus that talks about our God being greater, stronger, a healer and above everything.  The God we serve is SO BIG.

The last part is what really gets me.  God is on our side, the God of the universe, the God over everything and He gives us His favor.

Sin, sorrow, pain, everything bad in the world... is defeated.

The poor and broken

This week I began interning at the Richmond Department of Social Services again.  I go there twice a week for 3 hours at a time.

This is what I do:
- I help Spanish-speaking clients fill out applications for food stamps, housing aid and medicaid
- I interpret for interviews between clients and their case worker
- I help ensure Spanish-speaking clients understand the information, rules and anything else they're given
- I also simply help the Spanish-speaking clients feel more comfortable

In regards to the comfort of those who don't speak English.  Imagine walking into a government building where everyone is racist towards you, wants you deported because they assume you're illegal and where you understand nothing.  That's scary, so I try to make things more comfortable for them.  I make sure I smile, I'm patient, understanding, caring and that I give them all that I can.  I know it's a stressful thing for someone who speaks the language, but I can't imagine how hard it is for those who don't.

So in the field that I'm interning, EVERYONE that comes in for help is very poor and very in need.  The problem that the Spanish-speaking people have is that everyone assumes they're illegal even if they have a social security card (because sometimes those are stolen).  They're completely ignored a lot of times by their case workers.  The case workers let their cases expire so they don't get help, even if they did everything they needed to stay current.

Yes, most of the adults are here illegally.  Thing is, their kids are usually citizens.

Let me explain some things and show you how terrible life can be for these people...

First off, anyone that is coming here illegally weighs their options.  They don't leave their home country and come to ours because ours is worse.  They come here because their lives there are so terrible that they would rather risk coming here, being arrested and sent back than to live in their own country.  They risk everything to make their lives better.  They are escaping something so terrible that we can't understand.

They are seeking better lives for themselves and for their kids.

I see situations where a husband is deported, leaving a wife and kids.  The wife has no way of providing for her kids. at. all.  But it's still better than going back home.

I see other times where a wife is living with a drunk, abusive husband just so her kids can be provided for.  She would even go as far as NOT wanting him deported because she can't care for her kids.  She would rather be abused than not provide for her kids.  She would rather be miserable and here, because she knows her kids have a chance.

These people are choosing to deal with terrible situations here because they're better than the terrible situations back home.

I'm not law enforcement.  I'm no authority on anything.

The thing is, these people need help and we have so much... so much.

All I'm pleading for is for you all to understand that this shouldn't be about legality all the time.  This shouldn't be about "terrible people using the system."  I see so many Americans, Americans mind you, who drive up to social services in a Lexus, wearing Dolce and Gabanna glasses... They are clearly poor because of poor spending, yet the people who actually need help don't receive it?

Injustice.

I'm just making a plea for people to be loving.

I am NOT proposing the presence of illegal immigrants here.  I know as followers of Christ, we are called to reach out in love to EVERYONE... not just our own citizens.  These people come here and are so broken and hurt so much.  I'm just asking for you to respond to the call of the hurting and reach out in love.

Again, I'm not at all asking you all to forget about legality, but remember that if you have a chance to make someone's life better, don't throw it away for legalistic reasons.

As Christians... as humans... we are called to love each other.

Just love.

Please.